1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
  2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every ten minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.
  3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
  4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.
  5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
  6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
  7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.
  8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.
  9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
  10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
  11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.
  12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.


-- The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
-- You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
-- Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it!"
-- You mow your lawn and find a car.
-- If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them), a jacket, and grabbing a flashlight.
-- You go Christmas shopping for your mom, your sister, and your girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
-- You consider 'pork and beans' to be a gourmet food.
-- You have to go down to the creek ("crick") to take a bath.
-- You participate in a "Who Can Spit Tobacco the Farthest" contest.
-- You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
-- You consider a three-piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
-- You think the Mountain Men in "Deliverance" were just 'misunderstood.'
-- You've ever made change in the offering plate.
-- If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
-- You own at least 20 baseball hats.
-- You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
-- Your biggest ambition in life is to "git thet big'ole coon, the one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
-- When you leave your house, federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms follow you, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
-- Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
-- Your huntin' dawg cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
-- You'd rather catch bass than get some. (if you can't guess...)
-- You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
-- You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
-- You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
-- You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
-- You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
-- It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
-- You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are three of the primary colors.
-- Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job.......primer red and primer gray.
-- The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
-- Yer mom calls ya over ta help, 'cause she has a flat tire.......on her house.
-- The ASPCA raids yer kitchen.
-- Ya have to check in the bottom of yer shoe for change so ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.
-- Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.
-- Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
-- Ya celebrate Groundhog Day. ('Cause ya believe in it!!)
-- You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
-- You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
-- When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
-- You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
-- Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
-- "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
-- Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
-- You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
-- Dolly Parton reminds you of the 'Grand Tetons'. (Of course, this is a very sophisticated redneck joke...)
-- You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
-- Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story!)
-- The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection. (your insurance man is one too, if he pays you for it)
-- You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
-- You know what Chattahoochie is, even if you can't spell it.
-- You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
-- You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
-- Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
-- Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
-- Your mom walks you to school, and you're both in the same grade.

Good Bye, Mother!

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"Im very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye mother!' it would make me feel much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

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