NEW GUY

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "


Priest

Can't you imagine if Priests are ever allowed to marry? Their kids would have to call them "Father Daddy."


Phone humour

This guy called me the other night and said: 'Hello... Is that 7, double 7, 7, double 7?'
and I said: 'Yes it is? - How can I help you?'
and he said: 'Can you call 999 and get some round here because my finger is stuck in 7!'


Electrolux

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.


Translations

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

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In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into "Schweppes Toilet Water."

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Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave," in Chinese.

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When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant"


Army recruiting

During the 60's, when the draft law could induct most young men into military service, the announcement was made that very few (if any) married men would be drafted, war or not.
One Army recruiting office fought back by posting a sign: "Better two years than life".


Unassisted Human Flight Day

In 2000, seven skydivers set a world record for unassisted human flight by gliding from a Dutch island to the nearby town of Den Helder. From a height of 16,000 feet, they glided 2 1/2 miles. It was the first time such a distance had been bridged by pure human flight. The parachutists wore special suits that gave them a longer glide path than normal. They opened their parachutes at 1,000 feet before touching down on the mainland.

Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"

Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp. I just want to know where the fuel truck is."


A blonde football fan

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"


Vampires

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"

The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."

The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."

The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma."

The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light."


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