Lifes Important Questions

What is the speed of dark?

When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?

If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

What's another word for synonym?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

How can there be self-help groups?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Where are Preparations A through G?

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

PULL OVER!

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the lady behind the wheel was knitting! The trooper cranked down his window and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"No," the lady yelled back, "It's a scarf!"

Make a Deal

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Moses had long hair...."

To which the Rabbi replied.... "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"

Change

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, I've got good news and bad news. First the good news. Today we're going to change our underwear. The troops started cheering at the news. Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy...

Women in the military

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."

- Elayne Boosler