New Moses

The Rabbi's wife called a psychiatrist and said, "My husband thinks he's the new Moses."
The doctor assured her that these delusions of grandeur were only a passing fancy.
"OK." she responded. "But in the meantime, how do I keep him from parting the waters in the hot-tub ?"

Outside

A man has a first appointment with a psychiatrist and when asked why he's there, the fellow responds, "Doctor, I'm tired of being on the outside looking in."
"Well..." responded the doctor, "sounds like we have to try to improve your self-image. Let's get a few basic facts first. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a window washer." responded the patient.

Hemorrhoids

Q: Why don't Brits get hemorrhoids?
A: Because they are perfect arseholes.

Q: What is another name for an Swedish with a war medal?
A: Thief.

Q: How do you fit 25 Germans into a mini-van?
A: Make one the boss & the rest will crawl up his arse.

Car washing

A woman complains to her shrink that her husband is always washing the car and not paying any attention to her.
"Well..." responded the doctor, "a lot of men over-value their cars, but what's wrong with washing the car?"
"He does it in the bathtub." she exclaimed.

Swimming

A famous athlete, who had escaped from Cuba, was asked why so many of the Cubans excelled in 800 meter swimming.
"Easy." he replied. "In Cuba, we practice using Florida as the finish line."

3 in Heaven

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the pearly gates together.

"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. St. Peter was fretting, "Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in just yet and we can't send you back."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one."

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. BUT..... Two days later...

"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."

In Jail

Three cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes. "I was jailed for coming to work late." mourned the first. "They said I was trying to upset the productivity quota."

"Me? I came to work early." said the second. "They said this proved I was a Capitalist spy."

"And I am here for always getting to work on time." added the third. "They said this proved I had an American watch."

At The Moscow Health Clinic

Syadov walks into the Moscow health clinic and asks to see an ear-and-eye doctor. The nurse explains to him that there isn't a specialist in those two areas at the clinic, but tells him that they have an eye-doctor AND an ear, nose, and throat man. She further goes on to suggest, after seeing his rather vacant stare, that he see the ENT specialist, and, if that doesn't work, why then he can go to the ophthalmologist. So a month later (Remember, the clinic is run by the Soviet bureaucracy) he is shown to the doc's office.
The following dialogue ensues.
Doctor: So, tell me, Comrade Syadov. What seems to be the trouble?
Syadov: DOC! DOC! Ya GOTTA help me! I'm going crazy!
Doctor: Just calm down, and tell me your symptoms.
Syadov: Well, I.. OK. I... I'll try. It's like my ears and my eyeballs aren't connected to the same man. I can't see what I hear, and I can't hear what I see!
At this, the doctor sighs, shakes his head, closes his notebook, and prepares for his next patient.
When Syadov asks what he's doing, he explains: "Really, I'm very sorry, Comrade. But there's no known cure for Communism."