The Rabbi's wife called a psychiatrist and said, "My husband thinks he's the new Moses."|
The doctor assured her that these delusions of grandeur were only a passing fancy.
"OK." she responded. "But in the meantime, how do I keep him from parting the waters in the hot-tub ?"
"Well..." responded the doctor, "sounds like we have to try to improve your self-image. Let's get a few basic facts first. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a window washer." responded the patient.
A: Because they are perfect arseholes.
Q: What is another name for an Swedish with a war medal?
Q: How do you fit 25 Germans into a mini-van?
"Well..." responded the doctor, "a lot of men over-value their cars, but what's wrong with washing the car?"
"He does it in the bathtub." she exclaimed.
"Easy." he replied. "In Cuba, we practice using Florida as the finish line."
3 in Heaven
"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. St. Peter was fretting, "Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in just yet and we can't send you back."
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one."
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. BUT..... Two days later...
"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."
"Me? I came to work early." said the second. "They said this proved I was a Capitalist spy."
"And I am here for always getting to work on time." added the third. "They said this proved I had an American watch."
At The Moscow Health Clinic
The following dialogue ensues.
Doctor: So, tell me, Comrade Syadov. What seems to be the trouble?
Syadov: DOC! DOC! Ya GOTTA help me! I'm going crazy!
Doctor: Just calm down, and tell me your symptoms.
Syadov: Well, I.. OK. I... I'll try. It's like my ears and my eyeballs aren't connected to the same man. I can't see what I hear, and I can't hear what I see!
At this, the doctor sighs, shakes his head, closes his notebook, and prepares for his next patient.
When Syadov asks what he's doing, he explains: "Really, I'm very sorry, Comrade. But there's no known cure for Communism."