The Shrinks

Sam and Max were psychologists, and the best of friends. Sam's practice was based upon the theories of Sigmund Freud, but Max relied more upon the theories of Carl Jung. One wintry night, as they were walking home from the community college where they had just given a lecture, Sam slipped on the ice and did a swan dive into the sidewalk. Dazed, he looked up to see his friend regarding him thoughtfully.

"Well, what is it?" he snapped.

Max extended his hand and said, "Sorry, but it's just that this is the first time I've actually SEEN a Freudian slip." (By Adrian L. Charles)

The 3 sons of a Yiddishe Mama

Three sons of a Yiddishe Mama left their homeland, went abroad and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother.

ABRAHAM, the first, said: "I built a big house for our mother."
MOISHE, the second, said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
DAVID, the youngest, said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the bible. Now she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible - Mama just has to name the chapter and verse."

Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother.
"ABRAHAM", she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house".
"MOISHE", she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver has shpilkas he's a pain in the tuchas".
"But DAVID", she said, "THE CHICKEN WAS DELICIOUS"

Olympic Committee

Here are MORE of the classic questions that were asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, with answers supplied where appropriate.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, so you'll need to have started about a year ago to get there in time for this October...

(Hei Jaa svärje)

Jordan River

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River, looking across at the promised land.

The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River."

As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned the more you will sink into the water."

The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who shall be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River.

Finally George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking that all of his sins were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed liked an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank.

As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river and only his ankles barely touching the water. He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore, Al Gore is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!"

Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted back, "I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"

Things which irritare a sane person

You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

Curiosity killed the cat, Don't be a victim

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye.

Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

I want one too

The neighbor's two sons ... one five and the other seven ... are constantly squabbling. The seven-year-old is thrilled when he succeeds in taunting his younger brother.

Friday was the last day of school for the older lad. According to his mother, he hadn't been in the house more than a couple minutes when she heard the five-year-old screaming. When the crying youngster reached the kitchen, he shouted, "It's not fair. Bill has one and I don't. I want one too."

"What is it?" asked the mother while trying to comfort her child. "What does Bill have that you don't have?"

By this time, Bill had come to the kitchen and was leaning against the doorway. He had a funny smile on his face and said, "A summer vacation. It told him I get one and he doesn't."