RELIGIOUS TECH SUPPORT

Ring ring...

God: Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief?

Sinner: I seem to have lost my faith.

God: Was your faith installed by an ordained priest or a Catholic Minister?

Sinner: Ummm... lets see, I have a conformation, so it must have been a priest.

God: And have you been doing your Faith updates with Weekly Services(c)?

Sinner: Well, no, not all of them, but I did get the big upgrade at Christmas and Easter, and a few other Weekly Services here and there.

God: Have you recently heard any contrary Data that might have corrupted your faith?

Sinner: Not that I can think of..

God: Please remember that corrupting data can come in many forms, from Simple Lies (c)*(Microsoft) or Street Rhetoric (Internet). Have your Ears downloaded anything that might be construed as corrupting?

Sinner: Well I did listen to a bum on the street that said that God was asleep and that anyone who believes was being lulled into the fires of hell.

God: What you have is a paradox, that is the problem with your faith, you see, somehow you have an INI string installed that does not let you Believe in God, but the output of this string is a Goto Hell. Without God there is no hell, thus the paradox.

Sinner: And how do I get this Paradox out of my system?

God: Please re-read the book that came with your faith, The Bible(TM) and recall the passages that deal with heaven and hell, and look to the passages about Judas.ini (c). You can also find some help in the Psalms 100-120, but those are long and confusing and should only be used with a complete lack of Faith.

Sinner: And what can I do so that my Faith never becomes corrupted again?

God: Well there are several products out there just for that purpose, Lotus Devout(TM), Microsoft Seminary Plus(TM), and Netscape Hereafter Browser(TM). If you use these products and not download data from know corrupting sources, you should be fine.

Sinner: Well thank you very much God, This should help out a lot, I should be believing in you without a doubt in no time.

God: Go in Peace(TM) my son.

Ring ring...

God: Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief?

Sinner: Hello, I am now Jewish(TM)...


Self Defense

Hank was a not too smart kind of guy. Everyday when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money.

Finally, Hank decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route and then take up some self defense classes so this wouldn't happen again. He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well to defend himself. So, one day, on the way home from work Hank took his old route home and sure enough there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued.

The next afternoon Hank went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip. His instructor, shocked, asked him what happened.

"Well," explained Hank, "I took my old way home last night so I could beat these guys up who were stealing my money, but they beat me up before I could get my shoes and socks off!"


The Sermon

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."1

The following Sunday the minister asked for a show of hands to indicate how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."


States

The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."


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Copyright© Aaro (Frank) Huhtala 1997-2003.