I've Had Days Like This

Two ladies have played bridge together for years. Naturally they had gotten to know each other pretty well. One day during a game one lady suddenly looks up at the other and says, "Now dear I know that we've known each other for many years, but please don't be angry or upset by this. Could you please tell me your name? I'm trying to remember, but I just can't bring it to mind."

The other lady glares at her for a full three minutes and replies, "How soon do you need to know?"


Harry and Joe

Harry and Joe, two old friends, were comparing their exploits, each, as usual, trying to outdo the other.
"Once I caught a herring," Harry said. "And I'm telling you, Joe it was the biggest herring that has ever been seen by a mortal. It weighed 500 lbs at least!"

"That's nothing, Harry, " answered Joe. " Once, when I was fishing, I pulled up my line and what did I find on the hook but a ship's lamp. And I should live so long, it had the date stamped on the bottom-1392; a hundred years before Columbus yet!

But that's not all: Inside the lamp was a light, and it was still burning!"
Harry studied his friends face for a few moments without a trace of expression. Then he grinned and said, "Listen, Joe, let's compromise. From the herring I'll knock off 495 lbs, and you blow out the light!"


A burglar

A burglar, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to rob the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading: "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob."

He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging. As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning: "My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."


Practice Makes Perfect

Grandpa and granddaugher were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me a long time ago," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.
"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."


A snowstorm

A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town. When the children returned to school a few days later, one grade school teacher asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively. "I sure did, teacher," one little girl replied. "I just prayed for more snow."


FEEDING THE CAT

A man and his grown daughter go fishing but only catch one small fish. It's not enough to feed them, yet it would be a shame to throw it out, so they decide to feed it to the cat.

The man puts the fish in the cat food dish, but kitty turns up her nose at it. Thinking quickly, the daughter picks up the dish and walks over to the kitchen counter. Putting the dish down on the counter, she runs the electric can opener for several seconds, then puts the dish back in place. The cat chows right down.


MOTHER SAYS

Throughout the centuries, mothers have been given their children plenty of good advice and notable quotes. Here's just a small sampling:

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"

MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't minnd you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've descovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"

BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you -- quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"

CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you -- don't go biting off more than you can chew!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"

GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."

SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"

And finally....

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"


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