- I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
- "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
- The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.
- I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.
- I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet
- I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.
- I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
- I will not chew crayons or pens, 'specially not the red ones so my people will think I am dying.
- I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
- I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her ear.
- I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.
- I will not throw up in the car.
- I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
- When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
- I must shake the rainwater out of my fur *before* entering the house.
- I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
- I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
- The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
- We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
- I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
- My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
- I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
- The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
Food Spoilage Test
FINALLY, a way to know what to pitch and what to save!
- THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
- DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realise you've never purchased that kind.
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
- FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
- EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
It never spoils.
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.
- CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
- CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
- EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.
- UNMARKED ITEMS:
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.
- GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.