Swiss army

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go! You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off! I've got the toe clippers right here!' "

--Jerry Seinfeld

Contractors

A Steak

To me, there's nothing better for dinner than a big, juicy steak. I had such a steak at a restaurant recently in Columbia. Returning the following week, I was disappointed to receive a steak more suited for the kiddy menu. I signaled the waiter and when he came over I said, "Last week when I was here, I got a steak fit for a King, and now look at this puny thang."
He replied, "Yes, I know. But last week you were seated by the window looking out onto the Mall."

Psychoanalysis

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

A baby

There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting for the offspring to arrive - at his in-laws place.

As his leave balance had gone into the red, he tells his father-in-law - " When my son comes, do not call up office and say that I have become a father of a boy, etc. otherwise I'll have to shell out a lot for parties etc. Just tell me that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of the baby."

The offspring does arrive one day, but it's a daughter. The father-in-law now thinks -"If I tell him that the clock has not arrived, he'll misunderstand that some thing has happened to the baby and come rushing over."

So he sends the message - " The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing".

An ankle

About a year or so ago, I was bothered by a pain in my ankle. I had injured it doing yardwork somehow. I finally ended up going to the doctor. He examined me, and w/o even taking any x-rays said, "Mr. Moore, how long have you been walking around like this ?"
"About two weeks or so Doctor, why ?" I responded
"Well... your ankle is broken ! Why in the world didn't you come in to see me sooner ?"
"Well Doctor, every time I say something is wrong with me, my wife declares, 'Now you'll HAVE to stop smoking'."

Beer store

Sign posted in beer store: Drink your beer here 'cause there ain't none in heaven.

Three contractors were touring the white house on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.

When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid."

So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this Job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, $2700."

The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri."

Fit

A woman called a health club and said that her husband had given her a present that she couldn't fit into.
The receptionist gave her an appointment and added, "Don't worry, we'll have you in that dress in no time."
The woman began sobbing uncontrollably, and the receptionist asked what was wrong.
Between sobs, the lady replied, "Well, for one thing, it's a Porsche and not a dress."