Inventions

Pauly goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk.
"What do you call it?"
"A fottle," replies Pauly, the inventor.
"A fottle? That's stupid! Can't you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton", replies the inventor.
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"
"In that case," says the inventor... "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket!"

Bosses

Q: What's the difference between your boss and the subway ?
A: Sometimes you miss the subway.

Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and your boss ?
A: One's a relentless, pain-inflicting bloodsucker. The other's an insect.

Q: What's the difference between your boss and time ?
A: You can kill time.

Q: What did your boss say to the cannon ?
A: You're fired !

Q: What did your boss say to the calendar ?
A: Your days are numbered !

Q: What did your boss say to the bridge ?
A: You're suspended !

Q: What did your boss say to George Washington ?
A: You're history !

Q: What do you call an employee who blows her boss's brains out ?
A: An excellent shot.

Q: Why won't the postman go to your boss's house ?
A: Because his dog's mean, too.

Drunken Mick

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asks as he puts on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

Dumb blonde

A true story - the blonde in question was my neighbour...
Policeman to blonde driver he has just flagged down:
"I've stopped you, Miss, because your silencer has gone."
Blonde: "How can you tell it's gone?"
Officer: "I can hear it, Miss."
Blonde, after some thought: "How can you hear it if it has gone?"

Two carrots

Two carrots were walking down the road when a huge transfer truck slammed into one of them. An ambulance was called and they rushed the little fellow off to the hospital where he immediately went into hours of surgery. Finally the doctor emerged and approached the other carrot who had been anxiously awaiting in the waiting room. "Tell me Doc, how is he?"

The doctor replied, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is he's going to live. The bad news is we're pretty sure he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.

Halloween

The door bell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying "Trick or Treat!"
The man asks the kids what he's dressed up like for Halloween.
The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say Thank You.

Halloween 2

Last Halloween a lil' boy knocked on our door rather late. Mother in law, all creamed-up, ready for bed, answered the door. The kid took one look at her and gave HER candy.

Divorced

If you get divorced after 30 years, do you become a "husband emeritus?"

Jewish Christmas

After Christmas vacation, an elementary school teacher was asking her students how they celebrated Christmas.

When she got to Sammy, whose father ran a local toy store, she said, "Sammy, since you're Jewish, I guess your family didn't celebrate Christmas."

Sammy replied, "Oh yes, we did! We all held hands and danced around the cash register singing 'What A Friend We Have In Jesus.'