Court Room

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day. What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now"
Replied the young man, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

Beer

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
--Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

Three Musketeers

I was on an elevator and three guys dressed like the Three Musketeers got on. I asked them what floor and they said,
"One for all and all for one."

Cockfight

How can you tell if there is an Irishman at a cockfight?
He enters a duck.
How can you tell if there is a Polishman there?
He bets on the duck.
How can you tell if there is an Italian there as well?
The duck wins.

Pipers

Q. Why do pipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.

Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play in perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q. What's the difference between a dead piper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.

Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. Oh, that's the pipe player's Porsche.

Q. What's a piper's definition of ``optimism''?
A. A piper with a beeper.

Two Fakirs

Two fakirs in India were sleeping on beds of nails. All went well until they got into a pillow fight.

Sausages

Patient: "Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages."
Psychiatrist: "Nonsense! I like sausages too."
Patient: "Good, you should come see my collection. I've got hundreds of 'em."

Deaf mute

Guess y'all heard about the deaf mute and his wife. She was so angry, he couldn't get a finger in edgewise.

Yiddish

These two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town. They are talking amongst themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth.

The Jewish men are dumbfounded. "Where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also fluent in Yiddish .. "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"

The owner looks around and leans in so no one else will hear and says... "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."