Can we go?

My Jewish brother married a Catholic wife. They've got two daughters, with a son on the way.

The wife has been taking the daughters to Church every Sunday. One Sunday, during high mass, the older daughter (age 5) whispers in her mother's ear, "Can we go home now?"

"Not yet", replies her mother, "the mass is only half over."

"We can go now, Mommy. I'm half-Jewish."

TODDLER LAWS OF OWNERSHIP

If I like it, it's mine
If it's in my hand, it's mine
If I can take it from you, it's mine
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine
If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way
If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine
If it looks just like mine, it's mine
If I think it's mine, it's mine
If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine
If I...........................! ooops, sorry! I've been reading Microsoft's Business Plan.

Happiness

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

Spelling

It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Crawley. The teacher asked the children their names one at a time. She came to a little Pakastani boy and asked his name :

"Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee" he replied.

"How do you spell that? asked the teacher.

"My mother helps me" said the little boy.

"Let's get a second opinion, ok?

A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall. In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff. Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death. Full of fear, he cries out, "Help me!" But there was no answer. Again and again he cried out but to no avail.

Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there?"

A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."

"Who is it?"

"It's the Lord"

"Can you help me?"

"Yes, I can help."

"Help me!"

"Let go."

Looking around the man became full of panic. "What?!?!"

"Let go. I will catch you."

"Uh... Is there anybody else up there?"

Warning Labels

A Norwegian friend of mine told me that a Swedish chainsaw manufacturer began marketing thier product in the US, with an English language manual noticeably larger than the Swedish or Norwegian versions. News commentators explained with great humor in a report that this was because of all the additional warnings, including (they pointed out specifically) "Do not attempt to stop the chainsaw with your hand."

This was made even more humorous a couple of years later, when they were saved a pile of money in a lawsuit brought by a US citizen who was injured stopping the chainsaw with his hand. He was unable to collect, since the manual specifically warned against it.

Rune surmised that the warnings were legally unnecessary in the Scandinavian manuals, since no Scandinavian would publicly admit to doing anything that stupid.

I've always thought the problem could be solved if all products had a label on them stating: WARNING: This product not intended for use by stupid people. Let this guy try to prove in court that, although he propped the ladder up on a manure heap, he is *not* stupid and didn't violate the instructions.

Tact is the art of convincing people that they know more than they do.

-Raymond Mortimer