Shorts

My wife hasn't spoken to me since the baby was born because of a little misunderstanding. She called me at work and said her water had broken and I called the plumber.

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Titanic: That's the story of my life -- a love boat that sinks.

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PMS: Punishing Male Spouses.

A cab

A well dressed businessman got into a Manhattan cab and asked to be taken to LaGuardia. While stuck in the traffic jam, the businessman leaned forward and said, "How's your spirit of adventure?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I have to be in Chicago for a meeting, but the thought of flying there just bores me to tears. Why not drive me there? The meeting is only an hour. I'll pay the gas, tolls, your hotel room, meals, and then you can drive me back tomorrow."

The driver said, "Sure, why not?" and off they went.

They motored through Jersey, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, and finally into Chicago. The businessman did his meeting (while the cabbie waited) came out, got back into the cab and they took off to the hotel. They shared a huge meal, the businessman paid for two rooms. The next morning, they took off back towards Manhattan. When they arrived, the meter read $4,632.85.

When they got back to the businessman's office, the man told the cabbie, "Let me go in the bank here and I'll get you a certified check. I'll make it for $5000 so you'll get a sizable tip for your trouble."

"Great," the cab driver said, "Thanks."

"One last thing. When I give you the check, I'd like you to drive me home, please."

"Where's that?"

"Brooklyn."

"No way!!! I'd have to drive back over the bridge without a passenger!"

4, 2, 28 and 44

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"

It's MUCH Harder

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.

Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel."

Phone Music

Phone Music, on a touchtone phone
Key to symbology
Commas (,) pauses
Hyphens (-) held notes

Mary Had A Little Lamb
3212333,222,133,212333322321

Jingle Bells
333,333,39123,666-663333322329,333,333,39123,666-6633,399621

Frere Jacques
4564,4564,69#,69#,#*#964,#*#964,414,414

Olympic Fanfare
3-9-91231,2222-32112312,3-9-91231,2222-32112321

The Butterfly Song
963,23621,3693236236932362,963,23621

Happy Birthday
112,163,112,196,110,8521,008,121

Generic Arabian tune
453 54 4569564 459 9#95458 8987 453 54

Way Down Upon the Swanee River
321321045,6842,321321945,654224

Auld Lang Syne
8444684891439#

Things NOT to Say When You are Pulled Over

15. No, YOU assume the position.
14. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
13. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
12. No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
11. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.
10. Back off, Barney, I've got a piece.
9. But officer, I've got 2 different drivers licenses from 2 different states! Pick 1
8. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
7. On the way to the station let's get a six pack, oh don't forget the cig's
6. You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo!
5. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
4. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
3. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
2. So thats what those yellow flashing lights in the school zone means
1. What do you use those rubber gloves for, anyway?