No charge

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?

The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."


Errors

Spelling and grammar errors found on chart review at a hospital on the east coast
  • The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
  • The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
  • Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
  • The skin was moist and dry.
  • Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
  • The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
  • She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
  • Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
  • The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
  • I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
  • The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.
  • Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.
  • Patient was alert and unresponsive.
  • When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
  • The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
  • Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
  • Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
  • She is numb from her toes down.
  • Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
  • While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
  • The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
  • The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
  • Coming from Detroit, this man has no children


Be My Valentine!

I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine's day! Simple things like:
* Open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine,
* Plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning.

Guys, it's these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine!


Two Italian Men

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."


Drinking

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
--His reply

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman


Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive:
Please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant:
Please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities:
Please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional:
We know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are schizophrenic:
Listen carefully, a little voice will tell you which number to press
If you are a manic depressive:
It doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.


Nobel Prize

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."


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Copyright© Aaro (Frank) Huhtala 1997-2003.