Job

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the director asked.
"When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."


What father does?

My 5-year-old daughter was asked by her teacher what her father does, and she replied,

"Whatever my Mom tells him to."


Straight to Hell!

A few Housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands. One lady said "My husband just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to Hell."

This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in Hell.

So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves. One woman said "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven."

Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it."
So, then they noticed that one of the ladies wasn't saying anything. And they looked at her and said "You're such a nice lady, surely you're going to Heaven...?"

She says "No, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me a ticket straight to Hell!"

They were shocked and asked

"Why??"

"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do you??!?"


HOW TO MAKE A SUICIDE

Wife asks hubby, "Do you think these clothes make me look fat?"
Hubby replies "No, your ass makes you look fat."


Smoke Rings

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian approached him and said,

"Now listen buddy, if you don't stop calling me that I'll smash your face in!"


Police explanation

A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic. What the driver didn't know was a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.

Policeman: "License, registration and proof of insurance please."

Driver: "Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man."

Policeman: "Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!"

Driver: "Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference?"

The police officer pulled out his night stick and began bonking it over the mans head and shoulders. Bang! Bang! Womp! Bang!

Policeman: "Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!?


Mistake

Went to the Ray Charles/Van Morrison concert.

Went backstage to see me ol' mate Ray, I said, "Hi Ray, how you doing?"
He said, "Oh Hi George, I'm fine"
I said, "Er, it isn't George, Ray"
"Oh sorry Bert, I thought it was George"
"Nope not Bert either...." "Actually it's Squiffy!"

And Ray said

" Sorry Squifffs, but all you honkies look the same to me!"


Correct answer, wrong question

Dave and Larry were sitting on a bench in the park. Dave saw a dog by Larry, and asked "Does your dog bite?"
Larry told him, "No, my dog doesn't bite."
Dave reached down to pet the dog and the dog bit him.
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite."
"That's not my dog!"


MORE ENGLISH SIGNS FOUND IN ENGLAND:

Sign in a Laundromat
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THEDRAINING BOARD

On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

English sign in a German cafe:
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Outside a photographer's studio
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER


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