It wasn't my fault

Insurance claim details collected by Norwich Union for their annual Christmas magazine:

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind."

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight."

"I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions and was blocked by a tanker."

"Mr. 'X' is in hospital and says I can use his car and take his wife while he is there. What shall I do about it?"

"No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened."

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."

"We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss 'X' put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies' loo."

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in- law and headed over the embankment."

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."

"I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."


HOW APPLICANTS SPEAK (and what they mean)

"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:"
I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of coffee breaks.

"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:"
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARDWORKING AND DEPENDABLE:"
I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:"
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:"
I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M PERSONABLE:"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:"
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere is better.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:"
I carry a Franklin Planner.

"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:"
You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

"I AM ADAPTABLE:"
I've changed jobs a lot.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:"
The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.

"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:"
I'm a college dropout.

"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:"
Wait! Don't throw me away!

"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:"
Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.


Fools

A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival. The street was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily: "I never make way for fools!"

Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said: "I always do."


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Copyright© Aaro (Frank) Huhtala 1997-2003.