You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...

- Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
- You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
- Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
- You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
- You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
- Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
- Your income tax refund check bounces.
- It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
- The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
- You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
- Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
- You put both contacts into the same eye.
- Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
- Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
- You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
- Nothing you own is actually paid for.
- Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.
- The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.
- You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
- The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
- People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
- When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
- You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
- You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.


You Know You're Out Of University When...

Your salary is less than your tuition. For some of us.....

Your potted plants stay alive.

Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

You have to pay your own credit card bill.

You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.

8:00a.m. is not early.

You have to file for your own taxes.

You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

You're not carded anymore.

You carry an umbrella.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.

You start watching the weather channel.

Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.

You can no longer take shots and smoking gives you a sinus attack.

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.

You go to parties that the police don't raid.

Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.

You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.

Your car insurance goes down.

You refer to college students as kids.

You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon and rum.

Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.

You're waking up at 6:00 am instead of going to bed

College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.

Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

THEN: discussing with your friends: GPA's, spring break plans and tonsil hockey;
NOW: mutual funds, interest rates and wedding plans.

Naps are no longer available between noon and 6:00 p.m.

Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter and MTV News.

You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.

METABOLISM SLOWDOWN.

Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.

You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.

When drinking, you say at least once per night, 'I just can't put it down the same as I used to'.

Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work, not video games.

You're actually willing to pay a bit more to drink in a bar that's not full of '21-year-old kids.'

Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.


END OF THE WORLD

"WHEN THE END OF THE WORLD ARRIVES, HOW WILL THE MEDIA REPORT IT?"


Thing Women Need To Know Please don't drive when you're not driving.


Expensive watch

One of my neighbors claims to be the unluckiest guy on the planet. His wife gave him a really expensive watch for his birthday. It was shatterproof, breakproof, shockproof and waterproof. He lost it.


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