YMCA?

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! they spelled MACYS wrong.


Well done

The customer calls the waiter over and says, "Didn't I say 'well done' ?"
The waiter replies, "Oh thank you sir; I very seldom get a compliment."


Woman driving car

Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She'd bump the car in front, then back-up and strike the car behind her. This went on about 2-3 minutes. I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined though. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in a while ?"


Roaches

An inspector walks into a restaurant and tells the owner:
"You have too many roaches in here."
The owner replies, "OK. How many am I allowed ?"


Overweight

A boaj was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a Diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip A day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the boaj returned, he shocked the doctor by losing Nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing?" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The boaj nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was Going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."


Great White Ape

A man reads in the paper of a white gorilla in a zoo far away. He decides that he just has to see it. The journey will be a long and arduous one but he simply cannot resist. He sets out on his trip and travels by car to the docks, and catches a boat across a huge ocean. After weeks of sea travel he arrives at the other side and takes a train to the zoo.

When he sees the white gorilla he can't believe his eyes, it's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He simply must get a closer look, so he goes to the zoo manager and begs to be allowed into the gorilla's cage. After much arguing the man finally persuades the manager to let him in to the gorilla's cage, but before he does he tells the man that whatever he does he must not under any circumstances touch the white gorilla. The man agrees and is led to the cage. He tip-toes into the cage and is amazed, the gorilla is even more beautiful close up than it was from a distance. The white gorilla just sits quietly and looks at the man. After a while the man gets use to being so close to the gorilla and it seems so peaceful and calm that he starts to think that there can't be any harm in touching the gorilla. He slowly moves closer and closer to it, all the time the white gorilla just looks calmly at him. He reaches out his arm and gently touches the gorilla. Just as his arm makes contact the gorilla jumps up and starts roaring. The man turns and runs to the exit, getting there just before the gorilla. He leaps through the door and the keepers slam the door just in time. The gorilla, pulls at the door and to the man's horror the bars start to bend.

The man runs out of the zoo and to the train station and jumps on the train, which as luck would have it is just leaving. He glances back and can see the gorilla chasing after the train, but not gaining on it. The train arrives at the docks and the man quickly scampers aboard the boat. The boat leaves and the man thinks he's safe at last. He relaxes and starts to enjoy the leisurely cruise back across the ocean. The day they're due back in port he's walking on deck when he sees a small shape in the water trailing behind the boat. He can't make it out so he borrows a pair of binoculars from someone. He focuses the binoculars on the small shape and is horrified to discover that it's the white gorilla, swimming behind the boat. It must have been there all along.

The boat then arrives in port and the man hurries through customs and rushes to his car. He drives off just in time to see the gorilla climbing out of the ocean from his rear view mirror. He drives as fast as he can to his house and runs in locking the door behind him. All the time being followed be the huge white gorilla. The gorilla starts pounding on the door and having seen what it did to the cage at the zoo the man knows it won't take it very long to get in. He runs from room to room trying to think of a place he can hide. He hears the door shatter and dives into a wardrobe and pulls the door closed behind him. Outside the gorilla is going mad trying to find the man, he's ripping things up and tearing out doors. Finally, he comes to the wardrobe the man is hiding in and rips the door off. The gorilla sees the man and smiles, reaches out a massive hand and gently touches the man and says........

.........Tag, you're it!


Serve

A feminist walks into a bar that has a sign marked: "For Men Only".

"I'm sorry, ma'am," says the bartender. "We only serve men in this place."

"That's OK, "she says. "I'll take two of them..."


Cold one

WOODY: "Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."

NORM: "I know, if she calls, I'm not here."


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