Dress

Our Pastor likes to use humorous stories to underline points in his sermon. This one was so good that most of us missed the rest of the sermon because we were writing it down.

It's a couple of days before a big wedding. The Bride comes up with some bad news for her mother: she's found out that the young Step-Mother of the Groom has bought the exact same dress to wear to the Wedding that she (the mother of the Bride) is planning to wear.

The Bride's Mother tells her not to worry because she will just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony.

"But mother," asks the Bride, "What will you do with the dress that you've already bought?"

"Well," says mom, "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner."

Bumper sticker

Bumper sticker: Money isn't everything, but it sure keep the kids in touch.

My Best Buddy

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy."

Bartender says, "You want them *both* now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"

The guy says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." and he pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "You mean to say, He can drink that much?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some." the man retorted.

So the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Rodney, Go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing," he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey Rodney, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa, on safari hunting, and you called that native Witch doctor a "Dickhead!"

Drivers license

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. The family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the new driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to the his dad.

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

Will you?

A friend of mine gave a party for her granddaughter the other day, a no expense spared job - caterer, band, and a clown. Just before the party started, two guys showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, she told them that they could get a meal if they chopped some firewood. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house and set to work. Guests arrived, the weather was superb, and all was going well, with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown was late, and finally, he called to report that his car had broken down and would probably not make the party at all. My friend was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the two guys doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leapt high in the air.

She called the other guy over and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think he would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

"Well," he responded, "I dunno... let me ask him. HEY WILLIE; FOR 50 QUID, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

Facts About Men

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

Operate

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."

"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."

License

During a drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, the Valdoster patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb. When the driver, the old perfesser, asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him.

"Does your dog have a license?" he asked.

"Sheesh, no!" said the old perfesser. "Bear don't need one... **I** always do the drivin'!"