Shoot that man

When Mrs. Ghandi went to Moscow, Khrushchev took her for a tour of the city in his limo. Recalling his visit to India, he started giving her a hard time about the sanitary conditions there.
"When I was in Delhi, I saw human excrement lying everywhere."
Poor Mrs. Ghandi was terribly embarrassed, but only for a moment, because just ahead was a man sitting on his heels, shitting on the side of theroad. She pointed this out.
Khrushchev was livid and didn't hesitate: "Driver, get out immediately and shoot that man!"
The driver got out, walked up to the man with his gun drawn, spoke briefly, and then returned to the car.
"Sir, I can't shoot that man... he's the Indian ambassador."


Pity poor Mary

Pity poor Mary. She found the man of her dreams, but being a strict Catholic, she refused to marry him unless he converted to her religion. The young man started attending classes.

Now Mary's back on the dating scene again -- seems her young man decided to become a Priest.


The Twins

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with
horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read the all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"


Loan

Here's one about the old native American who wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?"
"Take jewlery to city and sell it," was the response.
"What have you got for collateral?"
"Don't know collateral."
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"
"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."
The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a horse."
"How old is it?"
"Don't know, has no teeth."
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.
Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.
"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"
"Put in teepee."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.
"Don't know deposit."
"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."
The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral....?"


The State of
Texas
Attorney Season and Bag Limits
1300.01 GENERAL

1. Any person with a valid Texas state hunting and fishing license may harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from all-terrain vehicles, helicopters, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash," "ambulance," or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within one hundred (100) yards of a BMW dealership.

7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, one hundred (100) dollar bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within two hundred (200) yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it. A. NB: An attorney which demonstrates clear "rogue" behavior in public office is exempted from this restriction, unless said attorney occupies the office of President of the United States of America or Governor of Texas.

10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a State Health Department inspection for AIDS, rabies, or vermin.

11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of enticing, entrapping, ensnaring, or harvesting attorneys.

1300.02 BAG LIMITS

VARMINT DAILY/SEASONAL LIMIT

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2/4
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1/3
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .4/7
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) . . . . . . . . . . .3/7
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2/5
6. Honest Attorney. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .EXTINCT (Sadly)
7. Cut-throat . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2/6
8. Weaseling Whiner . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2/6
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2/6
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender . . . . . . . . $500 Bounty/NO LIMIT
11. Ruby-slippered Civil Libertarian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7/22
12. Rogue Politico . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . OPEN SEASON/NO LIMIT


What Does This Say?

OPPORTUNITYISNOWHERE

Did you read it as "Opportunity is nowhere" or "Opportunity is now here?"

You see...attitude is everything!


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