The Substitute Organist

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he could ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.

The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," said the Minister impatiently, "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Redactor's note: "The Star-Spangled Banner" is the National Anthem of the USA. It is customary for one to stand when it is played. Readers in the UK could substitute "God Save the Queen." Those wishing to a high culture spin on their telling of the joke could use "The Hallelujah Chorus" in the punchline.

This joke will probably not work on post-Boomer audiences because they don't stand for anything.


The cupcakes

A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law and was surprised to find his young nephew, Timmy, helping them bake the cupcakes. After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Timmy to put the icing on. When he had finished, he brought them to the table.

"The cupcakes look beautiful, Tim," his uncle said. "How did you get them iced so evenly?" And he took a large bite while waiting for the answer.

His nephew replied, "I licked them."


Truth

I don't know how many of you have ever heard women testify in court, but most seem to feel a compelling need to explain each answer. To remedy this, I suggest a new oath for women:

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth and stop there ?"


How Far

Lawyer: "And how far were you from the scene of the accident."
Witness: "Eight-seven point thirty-eight feet."
Lawyer: "How is it you can be so exacting with the distance."
Witness: "I went back and measured it, because I knew some damn fool lawyer would ask that very question."


15 Ways To Annoy Dear Ole St. Nick

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

9. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy".

10. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

11. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

12. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

13. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

14. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

15. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.


Bomb

Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.


Pay

Ken: These ice-cream are too expensive!
John: Stop complaining and pay with a smile.
Ken: I wish I could but the man insists on cash!


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