The Army of the Lord

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, 'You need to join the Army of the Lord!'

Jack replied, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.'

Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?'

Jack whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'

L'Chaim

After Christmas vacation, an elementary school teacher was asking her students how they celebrated Christmas. When she got to Sammy, whose father ran a local toy store, she said, "Sammy, since you're Jewish, I guess your family didn't celebrate Christmas."

Sammy replied, "Oh yes, we did. We all held hands and danced around the cash register singing, 'What A Friend We Have In Jesus.'

Some Helpful Hints

1. If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.
2. If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
3. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.
4. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.
5. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.
6. It's okay to use the Poloroid Land Camera on a boat.
7. When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.
8. When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room and look for a package.
9. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English language web pages into French.
10. If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.
11. If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh

Telemarketers

When telemarketers call me I say, "Excuse me, my phone has been having trouble lately. Does this sound like a phone hanging up?" Then I hang up.

When a telemarketer calls me, I immediately say, "I'm not interested." Then I hang up. Works every time.

When a telemarketer calls me, I tell them I'm a kid and my parents are not home.

What have you done?

Sometimes when interviewing people for a specific job, the questions are tailored to the skills needed; however, their meaning should be too. I was interviewing applicants for a Motor Grader Operator. I had all my questions written in advance. I asked the first fellow, "Tell me, what have you done?"
He paused a bit, then replied, "About what ?"

Tators

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands. They are called ... "Dick Tators."

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work. They are called ... "Speck Tators."

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work. They are called ... "Comment Tators."

Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet. They are called ... "Agie Tators."

There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help. They are called ... "Hezzie Tators."

Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not. They are called ... "Emma Tators."

Then there are those who love and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others. They are called ... "Sweet Tators."

Then some of these people that are commonly known as tators have children. They are called ... "Tator Tots."

Police Test

A young man was taking a verbal test to join the local police force. The question asked was, "If you were driving a police car, alone on a lonely road at night, and was being chased by a gang of criminals driving sixty miles an hour, what would you do?"

Without a second's hesitation the young man answered, "Seventy!"