Divorce

Morris calls his son in NY and says,"Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my Oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."

The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened.
"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"

"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."

"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"
"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."

"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."

"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Christmas. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after then. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me That you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."

Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well Martha, it worked this time, but what are we going to do next time to get them to come home for the holidays?"

Anniversary

Y'all might recall that I did a bunch of Anniversary jokes to mark the occasion of mine and Mrs JimJr's anniversary this year. Well, that was for self-protection than anything else, to remind me of the event. I forgot it last year, and the next evening at dinner time, Mrs JimJr said, "How about that for a coincidence ?

You forgot our anniversary, and I forgot how to cook."

Robbing a bank

It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote, "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept this stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left.

The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

In court

Drug possession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.

Marijuana

Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.

Football

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. So they decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team; therefore saving jobs.

The new team will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.

COMPUTERS VS CARS

Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors.

If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, the comparison would look like this:

~ You would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8.
~ It would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour.
~ You could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas.
~ The base sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.

In response to all this goading, GM responds: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?"