God: Hello, this is the religion help line. What is your disbelief?|
Sinner: I seem to have lost my faith.
God: Was your faith installed by a Catholic Priest or an Ordained Minister?
Sinner: Ummm... let's see, I have a conformation, so it must have been a priest.
God: And have you been doing your Faith updates with Weekly Services(c)?
Sinner: Well, no, not all of them, but I did get the big upgrade at Christmas and Easter, and a few other Weekly Services here and there.
God: Have you recently heard any contrary Data that might have corrupted your faith?
Sinner: Not that I can think of..
God: Please remember that corrupting data can come in many forms, from Simple Lies (c)*(Microsoft) or Street Rhetoric (Internet). Have your Ears downloaded anything that might be construed as corrupting?
Sinner: Well I did listen to a bum on the street that said that God was asleep, and that anyone who believes was being lulled into the fires of hell.
God: What you have is a paradox, that is the problem with your faith, you see, somehow you have an INI string installed that does not let you Believe in God, but the output of this string is a Goto Hell. Without God there is no hell, thus the paradox.
Sinner: And how do I get this Paradox out of my system?
God: Please re-read the book that came with your faith, The Bible(TM) and recall the passages that deal with heaven and hell, and look to the passages about Judas.ini (c). You can also find some help in the Psalms 100-120, but those are long and confusing and should only be used with a complete lack of Faith.
Sinner: And what can I do so that my Faith never becomes corrupted again?
God: Well there are several products out there just for that purpose, Lotus Devout(TM), Microsoft Seminary Plus(TM), and Netscape Hereafter Browser(TM). If you use these products and not download data from known corrupting sources, you should be fine.
Sinner: Well thank you very much God. This should help out a lot, I should be believing in you without a doubt in no time.
God: Go in Peace(TM) my son.
God: Hello, this is the religion help line. What is your disbelief?
Sinner: Hello, I am Jewish(TM) and...
"Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.
"What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.
"It's fantastic out here in the world!" he told them.
"So, are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised.
"Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette."
Next day, Carl calls again, resulting in the same sequence of events.
The following day though when he called, his ex-wife said, "Listen Bozo. I told you we're divorced, split, it's over -- period! We're divorced. Why do you keep calling here ?"
"Well Jody, it's just that I can't hear that often enough."