Old?

I was on one of my rare shopping trips when this gray-haired woman started staring at me. Finally, she walked over and said, "You look old, what would you suggest for a man over fifty."

I smiled and replied, "A girl of twenty."


I am

"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Q&A

Q: What occurs more often in December than any other month?

A: Conception.

Q: Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite sex. What is it?

A: Skinny dipping.

Q: What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS, from every other TV show?

A: No theme song/music.

Q: Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A: Their birthplace.

Q: Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A: Obsession.

Q: More women do this in the bathroom than men.

A: Wash their hands. Women 80% / Men 55%

Q: What do 100% of all lottery winners do?

A: Gain weight.

Q: In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was their favorite smell.

A: Banana.

Q: If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

A: One thousand.

Q: What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?

A: All invented by women.

Q: Married men revealed that they do this twice as often as single men.

A: Change their underwear.

Q: This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation. Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous.

A: A kiss.

Q: This is the only food that doesn't spoil.

A: Honey.

Q: There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year.

A: Father's Day.

Q: What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is most ironic?

A: He was allergic to carrots.

Q: 40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this.

A: Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

Q: 3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this.

A: Wear underwear.

Q: What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen and 9% dioxide?

A: A fart.

Q: About 1/3 of all Americans say they do this while sitting.

A: Flush the toilet.

Q: What person, not a "Seinfeld" regular cast member, is featured on every episode of "Seinfeld"?

A: Superman, either by name or pictures on Jerry's refrigerator.

Q: 85% of the guys who die while having sex are doing this.

A:Cheating on their wives.


Airplane

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane...so sit down, shut up and listen."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."


Macho

What's the definition of macho?
-- Jogging home from your own vasectomy


20

Two old friends met at a bar and one announced that he was getting married. His friend congratulated him and asked who the bride was. "JoAnne, the lil' blonde cashier down at the Giant grocery store." the groom-to-be replied.
"You old fool." his friend countered, "She's what, 20 some, and you're in your 70's."
"What's wrong with that ?" the first man asked. "She's the same age my first wife was when I married her."


Smiles

A professor stood before his class of 20 senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GP messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a "B" for the course." There was much rejoicing amongst the class as students got up, passed by the professor to thank him and sign out on his offer.

As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Any one else? This is your last chance."

One final student rose up and took the offer. The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself." he said. "You all have "A"s."


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