Empty

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature."

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, . . . "Is it on or off?"

Hearing

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke."

Christian light bulb

Q: How many born-again Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One to change the bulb and about 500 to go outside and shout "I've seen the light!"

Aviator

My friend George, an ex-Marine Aviator, wanted to show-off his new twin engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us, we lost the radio and most of the instruments. As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Damn !!!"
Fearing the worst, I asked, "What's wrong now ?"
George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me."

Family Stress Test

How to score: 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.

1. ___ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

2. ___ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

3. ___ The cat is on Valium.

4. ___ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

5. ___ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.

6. ___ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

7. ___ No one has _time_ to wait for microwave TV dinners.

8. ___ "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

9. ___ You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

10.___ No-Doze gives you bulk rates.

How you rate:

30 - a perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!

20-29 - You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up.

10-19 - You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path?

0- 9 - Enjoying all that extra time? What do you _do_ anyway?

Hired

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked.

"When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

Boat for sale

Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past Ole's house and saw a sign that said "Boat For Sale."

This confused Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Ole about it.

"Hey, Ole," said Sven, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat. All ya have is your old John Deere tractor and combine."

Ole Calmly replied "Yup, and . . . they're boat for sale."

Are you married?

A lonely girl who was very forward worked in a bookstore where one of the men that provided service for the store was kind of cute. During each service call she made every effort to make sure she told him she was divorced and available.

One day she came out and ask him, "Are you married?"

He answered her and said, "Well actually, I'm involved with someone."

"Oh" she said disappointed, "seems like the good ones always are."

"Well", he said, "Actually I'm involved with a married woman."

"Oh, really!" she said with a renewed interest.

"Yeah," he says, "but unfortunately she's my wife."