Can't Hold Water

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her, her drink she says "it's my birthday today and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink in fact I'll take care of this one for you."

As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says "I guess I should buy you a drink too."

The old woman says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."

"All right," says the bartender. As she finishes her drink the man to her right says,

"Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one."

The old woman says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny you'll learn when you're my age you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."


Call doctor

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."


Honest

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."


First lesson

The teacher says to her new class, "For our first lesson, each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy."

Billy stands up and says, "My name's Billy. My father's a lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court."

The teacher says, "Very good. All right, Tyrone."

Tyrone stands up and says, "My name's Tyrone. My father's a pharmacist, f-a-m...f-a-r-n...f-n..."

The teacher says, "Tyrone, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Angelo."

Angelo stands up and says, "My name's Angelo. My old man's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you nine-to-five Tyrone ain't spellin' pharmacist by tomorrow."


SKELETON FIND

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said this could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn\t stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said we are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important.

The police said its not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important.

Well, who was it?

The 1956 swedish National Hide-and-Seek Champion.


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