Answering Machine

A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental health institute. ==================================== "Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press since no-one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. Allof our operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you're from Maryland, don't bother.

Sinn

On my way to visit a sick person in the parish, a little red car sped around my pickup. The driver pointed to my back left wheel. Just at that moment, I realized the tire was going flat.

I pulled into a driveway and got out of the truck to look at the tire. All of a sudden, the red car zipped into the driveway. A young man got out. "Sister," he said, "get back in the truck. I'll fix the tire."

As he changed the tire, I talked with him. "You remember me," he said. "Mike Sinn. You visited me in the hospital."

It occurred to me that this was probably the first time that Grace was saved by Sinn.

Mammogram

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day, during the week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. Best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in the privacy of your own home.

EXERCISE 1

Freeze two metal bookends overnight.
Strip to the waist.
Invite a stranger into the room.
Press the bookends against your breast.
Smash the bookends together as hard as you can.
Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

EXERCISE 2

Open your refrigerator and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time was not effective enough.

EXERCISE 3

Visit your garage at 3:00 am when the temperature of the concrete floor is just perfect. Take off all your warm clothes and lay down comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until the breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

CONGRULATIONS!! NOW YOU ARE PROPERLY PREPARED FOR YOUR MAMMOGRAM. ISN'T IT FUN TO BE A WOMAN?

THE FBI ORDERS PIZZA

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so. *Click*