A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental health institute.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press since no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. Allof our operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you're from Maryland, don't bother.
I pulled into a driveway and got out of the truck to look at the tire. All of a sudden, the red car zipped into the driveway. A young man got out. "Sister," he said, "get back in the truck. I'll fix the tire."
As he changed the tire, I talked with him. "You remember me," he said. "Mike Sinn. You visited me in the hospital."
It occurred to me that this was probably the first time that Grace was saved by Sinn.
Freeze two metal bookends overnight.
Open your refrigerator and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time was not effective enough.
Visit your garage at 3:00 am when the temperature of the concrete floor is just perfect. Take off all your warm clothes and lay down comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until the breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
CONGRULATIONS!! NOW YOU ARE PROPERLY PREPARED FOR YOUR MAMMOGRAM. ISN'T IT FUN TO BE A WOMAN?
THE FBI ORDERS PIZZA
Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.